How to Deal with a Break Up

“No feeling is final.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

I met her at my work place and was instantly attracted to her; but it was the way her quiet confidence and mystery that made me long to know her. because she spoke to me before I could find the right words to tell.

I practically drooled all over my desk whenever she spoke, but couldn’t even bring myself to say, “Hello.”  even after leaving her number so that I could call her and let her know if i found what she wanted. The best thing was that even with my silence she came back to inquire and find out if i had what she needed and from that point is when I came to realize how beautiful she was and I had to find a way to ask her out.

As she stood next to my desk inquiring I looked at her while lost in thoughts because she had a sculpted figure which was twine-thin. Her waist was tapered and she had a burnished complexion. A pair if arched eyebrows looked down on sweeping eyelashes. Her delicate ears framed a button nose. A set of dazzling,angel-white teeth gleamed as she blew gently on her polished fingernail. It was a pleasure to see her flowing,moon shadow-black short hair. Her enticing eyes had glasses on as she gazed at me over her puffy,heart shaped lips,she wore vibrant clothes and had bouncy personality and a sugary voice.

Her love for chocolate notwithstanding, I fell in love with her that night.

Even when I left the job and moved away from each other, we maintained a friendship over the years. We got together whenever time and space would allow.

Later I took a chance and revealed that I had romantic feelings for her. In a fairy tale-like manner, she came to see me at my place when I had a broken leg with both packed lunch and supper and would call me several times a day just to check up on me. I even came back from Meru where I was working and came for her graduation party at her place. We had fun and  Everything was great—until it wasn’t, and we broke up.

Although the decision to end the relationship had been mutual, over the following months, I cycled through many feelings and emotions. One day I would tell my friends that I was “so over her,” and the next day I’d find myself flat on my back, sobbing uncontrollably, wondering where we went wrong.

Even today, I can’t say that I have fully gotten over the relationship, but there are a few things that have been helpful to me in the process.

Embrace the feelings.

Breaking up with someone can feel like a major loss. It’s crucial to give yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship; however, it’s important to remember that everyone mourns differently. Some people cry, get angry, lash out, become sad, or deny that the relationship is really over. If you’re anything like me, you’re likely to feel all of these emotions at once.

Don’t beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. My therapist calls this a tendency to “double bad.” You experience a negative emotion (sadness) and then make yourself feel even worse for experiencing it (guilt). We often think that we should be handling a break up better than we are.  We tell ourselves things like “I should be over her by now,” or “I should be handling this better,” or “I shouldn’t let this get to me.”

But, in actuality there is no “right” way to get over somebody. Despite the numerous manuals and self-help books that have been written on this topic, the only real way to deal with a breakup is…to deal with the breakup.

Remind yourself that these feelings are a natural part of the healing process and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel whenever you feel it.

Stay present

Instead of dealing with the current state of the relationship, we sometimes tend to keep replaying the past, looking for answers that can’t always be found, or mentally create future situations that allow us to (temporarily) escape the pain.

Depending on my mood, I would either analyze various scenes from our relationship, searching for any type of clue as to why things ended, or imagine a future in which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily married (with children).

However, focusing on the past and future forces us to stay stuck in an endless loop of pain and confusion, and prolongs the healing process. Stay present in the moment and allow the emotional wounds to heal naturally.

Learn love’s lesson. 

Even though it’s difficult to accept that the relationship has ended, I have still gained invaluable information from the experience that I may not have received otherwise. I am better able to recognize what I need in a relationship and to communicate those needs to others. Also, I’ve found the courage to face some of the issues that floated to the surface in the process of opening myself up to another person.

Yes, sometimes the lessons hurt—and like hell.  But learning is an important part of the healing process. No relationship, no matter how negative it may seem, can be considered a “failure” if you have grown as a result of the experience.

If you’re open to it, each relationship offers the potential for spiritual growth and evolution. Rest in the knowledge that while you’re learning love’s lessons in preparation for your future mate, he or she is being prepared for you, too.