MODESTY 101
1
Check that you are using assertive communication appropriately.
If you are new to assertiveness, or you're not feeling your usual self
because of illness or stress, etc., you might be resorting to techniques
that are more aggressive, passive aggressive, or making assumptions
where there are none to be made, rather than being assertive. A quick
check you can do is to think back through your comments and stance with
the person in question and write down what you said. Read it back: Does
it sound to you as if you were being assertive, or otherwise? Be Honest - it's about you!
2
Check the context.
Sometimes factors come into the equation that shouldn't. Race, gender,
married status, age, disabilities, illness, and so on can sometimes
cause a person to assume that you have an "attitude", rather than an
assertive style of communication. If you suspect that this is the
situation, continue with your assertive communication and consider
whether it is worth raising your concern that your status might be
causing negative responses from the person accusing you of being
arrogant, or whether this might even be something actionable in your
workplace, school, etc. environment.
3
Be an Active Listener : Letting people know your boundaries and feelings while at the same time
allowing them space to talk, discuss, and open up about their feelings
is important. Assertiveness is about give and take; you take a little of
their time to clarify your feelings and you give a lot of your time to
hear about theirs. Remember that a good listener is also a flatterer and
it's hard to find arrogance in that!
4
Be Humble and modest.
Assertiveness and humility make a fine combination. An assertive person
doesn't need to shout "Me, me, me, look what I did!" from the rooftops.
Assertive people are remembered because they stand firm, their needs
and interests are clear to others, and because they are reliable; they
also frequently become a form of role model for others seeking to assert
themselves effectively. Take this role to heart but don't boast, big
note yourself or become pushy, no matter how clever, popular, or
successful you might be.
5
Reflect over your communications with others and your purpose.
While assertiveness is about ensuring that others respect you and what
you want in life, it ceases to be assertive communication when you use
assertiveness techniques to confuse or outwit someone where you're more
knowledgeable, cashed up, or better off than another person. Assertive
communication is not about "getting your own way". That's turning
assertiveness into aggressive techniques of communication and that's
when you'll be accused of being arrogant. Always think about the purpose
of your communications - will it make you better understood, will it
ensure that your needs are fully communicated, and will it still respect
the other person's need to be clearly understood and well informed? For
example, which of these examples do you prefer:
- Hi, I'm "Arrogant". I bought this iPhone here last week. It's a
lemon. It scrambles my messages, it chewed up my hard drive, and it
emits this high, piercing sound that makes my dog go insane. Now I just
know an iPhone isn't supposed to behave this way but I suspect that your
store is removing the X factor that makes it work well when the
software download from Herod's site is added to the overall structure. I
mean, you guys think you're so smart but I'm one ahead of you and this
really stinks. I mean, back in '89 I practically invented the whole
concept but it was stolen from me, so nothing gets past me ever again.
This is so serious a breach of your store's customer care that I want
the manager, not just a retail rep!"
- Hi, I'm "Assertive". Oh I see you're Njeri - Hi Njeri! I
don't think we've met yet - I think I was served by Cyril before. Anyway, I
bought this iPhone last week and it's a lemon. It scrambles my
messages, it chewed up my hard drive, and it emits this high, piercing
sound that made my dog go insane. Now I just know an iPhone isn't
supposed to behave this way and I was hoping you might be able to look
into it getting fixed, or perhaps, even better, give me a new one? I'd
really like a new one because then I wouldn't have to worry it might
fail on me again. I've always bought my gadgets from this store and I
have always really appreciated your customer service. So Njeri, do
you think you might be able to help me out?"
- In the first example, Arrogant starts off OK and then starts
meandering, and ends up being aggressive. In the second example,
Assertive keeps it light, considerate but still remains focused on the
point, only he asks for buy-in from the retail assistant and doesn't
disrespect her station. Note how he also named her at the start - Establishing rappaport
with someone for who they are, not just their role, really matters. And
that is one incredible key to warding off people finding you arrogant
when you practice assertive communications – you treat the other person
like they matter (because they do).
6
Remember that assertiveness techniques take time to learn and nobody gets it right all the time.
Apologizing is a good response to a failure to communicate assertively
though and there is always space to reopen that door to better
communications.
7
Don't take negative comebacks to heart.
When you are faced with one of life's more challenging personalities,
the best thing to do is to not take it personally. Sometimes it is your
self-assurance that is a cause of irritation for less secure people and
their response is to try and weevil their way in through criticism. This
is never a reason to fall back into old patterns of unhealthy
communication styles. Simply reassert whatever your point is and choose
to leave it there. It is something they can work on with the full
enlightenment on where you stand.
8
Seek the middle way.
Sometimes if you're placed in a position of having to choose between
differing viewpoints in a group, there might be accusations of arrogance
against one division by the other. Always consider the possibility of
being able to acknowledge both sides of the argument and finding the
middle way to draw the concerns together. You don't necessarily have to
solve the situation but you can be a powerful facilitator to the group
finding an answer to its division through your assertive communications.
In such situations, inform everyone that the situation is not one for
blame, not one for recriminations, and not one for finding fault.
Instead, help people to see that there is a chance for compromise by
showing them where each has made assumptions about the other or the
facts of the situation, while still upholding your own belief or
opinion. And suggest that they have another look at things to reach a
compromise.
No comments:
Post a Comment