3 Things I’ve Learned from Bad Relationships

Me And Kate About To Hit The Club.. 

“Relationships are worth fighting for. But you can’t be the only one fighting. – Unknown”

I’ve really run the gamut of relationships lately. Or perhaps it would be better to say that I’ve run the gauntlet.
I’ve had people very publicly and persistently attack me with very nasty and unwarranted comments. I’ve had people completely shut me out of their lives because I refused to have a relationship completely on their terms. I’ve felt betrayed on many occasions. I’ve even had people give generously to me, but with the expectation that I reciprocate, thus putting unnecessary stress and expectations on me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed with many wonderful relationships. But I also have many that I would prefer to do without. Even the bad ones, however, have taught me some important lessons about relationships. Here are my top three lessons learned from unpleasant people.

1) You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.

I have someone who takes everything I do personally. No matter how innocuous my action or comment, they almost always take it as a personal attack and respond emotionally or with anger. At first, it was incredibly upsetting to me, because I don’t want to be constantly hurting people, even if I’m doing so unintentionally. However, I finally had to learn that how they interpreted my actions was not my responsibility. My job was to be as kind and level-headed as I could. If they chose to take that poorly that simply was not my fault, and I could not blame myself for it.

2) Other’s opinions don’t matter nearly as much as you think they do.

Eleanor Roosevelt once famously said that “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This is something I struggled with for a long time. “But they’re being so horrible to me!” I’d argue internally. “They hate me! How can I be ok with that??” The truth is, however, that for every person who dislikes you, there’s another person who thinks the world of you. And I would argue that the reverse is also true – for every person who holds you in high esteem, there will be another who couldn’t care less about you. Eventually, I had to accept that I will never get everyone to like me. I had to learn to like myself, appreciate the people who appreciate me and let everyone else’s comments roll off of me like water on a duck’s back.

3) Guilt or obligation is not an appropriate initiator of relationship.

This is a really big one for me. I have a lot of people in my life who are constantly trying to guilt me into a relationship with them because we’re family, we’ve known each other for a long time, etc. As someone who has a very strong sense of loyalty, it’s difficult for me to ignore those pleas. However, the sad fact of the matter is that no matter how close you should be in an ideal world to someone, sometimes it simply isn’t a healthy relationship.

Rather than caving to their guilt trips, a far healthier thing is to make your opinions known. Tell them what you will and won’t tolerate, and if they cross your boundary put some space between you and them. As I’ve done this, I’ve experienced the opposing emotions of sadness and relief. Sadness at the loss of what could have been, but mostly giddy relief at the knowledge that such toxic people no longer have full access to me and my emotions.
Life is all about how you look at it. What happens to you doesn’t matter so much as how you interpret it. You can let people push you around by manipulating your emotions with their guilt trips and unkind words. Or you can choose to ignore it and keep living your wonderful, amazing life. You won’t be able to stop the actions of others, but you can definitely change how they affect you!

The outcomes of being sex friends

Some women accept to be friends with benefits (FWB) with a man they just meet, in the hope this would lead to a real relationship after some time. But according to a study of 191 people involved with a FWB, only 15% got into a romantic relationship after one year, while 28% were back into being just friends, and 31% didn’t have any relationship at all with their FWB. 26% remained FWB.

15% is a low score for an eventual relationship. It’s far from what Hollywood make us believe about the outcome of FWB.

So there’s a lot of disappointment ahead for those who hope for a romantic relationship out of a FWB.

But what is being friends with benefits? In general, it’s an agreement when the partners don’t want an exclusive relationship and allow themselves to see other people. There are not really feelings involved.

In such case, it’s difficult to start a relationship from this point. Because when you start to see other people without commitment with your FWB, it may lead to jealousy ahead when you start seeing each other exclusively. You can’t just brush away the immediate past of you FWB.

Yet, some people still have hope about a romantic relationship out of a FWB.

“One of my friends met a chic on Tinder two months ago, after the end of his long term relationship. At the beginning, they were just FWB, but it has evolved into a real relationship because he recently introduced her to us” one of my friends says.

I’ve noticed women who accept to be FWB often went out of a long term relationship or a marriage just before. It’s a kind of compromise, just like casual dating. Except there’s no sex involved in casual dating.

Some people think having sex with other people can help them to forget their ex. Yet, when the breakup is too close from your new FWB, it may not help as you may have your ex still under your skin. It’s the same if you start right away a new relationship. It depends on people.

And even if you’ve been FWB for years, coping with the breakup of a long term relationship isn’t that easy.

The lesson here is to not hope too much from a FWB. After all, the study shows you have a better chance to become just friends or remain FWB than to have a romantic relationship.

And it’s not a rule to be FWB. You always have the choice.

The bill (going dutch on a date)

In the world of dating, equality between sexes doesn’t really apply. Every woman I know expects the guy to pay the bill at the restaurant on the first date, and even on the next dates. It’s the part of the courtship. And even if we are in the 21st century, men are still expected to lead the courtship.

Many women told me if a guy lets them pay or offer them to go dutch, they think their date doesn’t want any commitment or are just stingy. One of them even told me she thinks the guy hates women in general, but can’t really be alone. In that case, why doesn’t the guy turn to prostitutes?

“If they don’t pay, it just means they are not interested” one of them said.

In fact, it depends. One of my friends hates dates for that reason. “I hate going to the restaurant and think about sharing or paying the bill at the end with my significant other. It’s a nightmare. Fortunately, I met him through friends during a BBQ, and he invited me at his place where he cooked a meal for me for the first time, and the next, and the next,… He doesn’t like to go to a restaurant that much, because he worked in many restaurants, and it reminds him of bad times” says one of my friends, who do agree to share the bill with me when we go out dinner together.

Another friend of mine told me he pays alternatively the bill with his significant other at the restaurant since their second date. “But I was a gentleman on the first date, I did pay the bill” he said.

My friend isn’t offended by the idea of having the bill paid by his significant other from time to time.

As for going dutch, some of my friends don’t agree because a date isn’t like going out with your friends.

Some guys think women are high maintenance or are stricken by the princess syndrome if they expect to have the bill paid every time at the restaurant. But all men don’t think that way.



I guess it can be a good indicator of your values if you don’t agree on who pays the bill at the restaurant during your dates. If you throw a temper tantrum because of the bill, it’s not a good sign. But at least, there’s an immediate reaction.

The worst, I think, it’s when one of two pays the bill, and the other holds grudge without saying anything. Like if the woman pays the bill, and the man thanks her for the dinner and the time they spent together, and then goes MIA for days.

One sided relationship

So last night I talked to a girl I love for over an hour on phone and decided to write about this because she really challenged me and had to come out clean as well. Thanks Pearl Kiarie and here is what felt....

“I keep playing your part, but it’s not my scene ,Sitting, waiting, wishing – Jack Johnson

Recently, one of my acquaintances complained about her significant other, who doesn’t give her anything. “I keep on making plans for us to spend our time together, but she doesn’t propose anything to me and even refused some of my plans. I pay for everything while she is always reluctant to pay. I feel I’m constantly walking on eggs with her because she criticizes me a lot. And I feel stressed because I don’t know how she will act” she said.

This is a one sided relationship where my acquaintance is doing all the work while her significant other makes her feel worse than better about herself. Unfortunately, if this relationship continues like that, it’s ill-fated.

The only solution to this problem is to tell how you feel to your significant other, keeping one feeling by conversation. It’s not wise to remind your partner about past events, because it can fire back at you. I did that with my ex, and she told me I should have told her right away there was a problem with her instead of bringing her that topic three weeks later. As a result, she brushed off my feelings and I felt diminished. But it’s not that easy to react right away.

One of my friends told me she can’t react right away. She only pulls back and doesn’t answer her phone for hours, even if her significant other tries to call her. “After some time, I reply, and he asks what’s wrong. Usually, it helps me to find the words to tell him how I feel” she says. But this only works if your significant other do call you often. If he/she goes MIA for days, well, he/she won’t notice anything.

How do you know you’re in a one sided relationship? People don’t realize this right away. Especially if they are in love. In the six first months of a relationship, if we’re in love, all we want, is to spend our time with our partner. We don’t care about details.

If like my acquaintance, you always make the plans, you pay for everything, and make efforts to include your partner in your life while he/she makes no effort at all and doesn’t feel too excited to meet your friends and family, that’s the sign of a one sided relationship.

In other words, if your partner doesn’t give you much (of his/her time, of his/her heart, of his/her consideration), this is a one sided relationship.

Some people jump into relationships while they are emotionally unavailable, and don’t give that much to their new partner because of that. We can be emotionally unavailable after a break up or after an incident in our life.

Communication is the only way to break that cycle. If this situation continues even if you pointed out the lack of consideration to your partner, it’s hopeless.