Hope in my Darkest Moments

The first time that I noticed something was wrong was on a normal day. I was in my final year of university, on a bus on my way into town. I started to feel strange and shaky. I felt like I was going to faint. I felt hot all off a sudden and everything in me wanted to get off the bus.

I saw a doctor who said it sounded like a panic attack. I thought it wouldn’t happen again.

But it did. Soon they started to happen most days – in everyday situations like on buses, walking around town, in shops and supermarkets. At university, I found it really hard to go to lecture halls, and to sit through lectures. I discovered that when you’ve had quite a few panic attacks you start to worry that you’ll have more so it becomes a vicious cycle really. I’ve been trapped in that cycle of panic attacks for 10 years now.

During these 10 years, I've experienced some very dark days and many sleepless nights. I’ve become depressed and life has felt frightening, and the future has looked bleak.

I watched people going about their normal days, going into supermarkets and looking happy and coming out with all their shopping but I couldn’t bring myself to just nip in to buy a couple of pints of milk but instead I would just hope it to a pub and drink myself silly.

I knew what I was dealing with but I didn’t know how to get help. I’ve tried medications and I’ve tried counselling but I’ve found it hard to sit in a small room to talk to someone – I couldn’t stay calm as I was always scared I’d have a panic attack. And for this reason it has caused me my relationship simply because I didn't talk about my depression and they didn't understand my silence either.

Christmas comes immediately after my birthday and is meant to be joyous but some years it has been one of the hardest times for me. Mostly because of all the celebrations and the pressure to socialise. I’ve always been very sociable by nature but it became really hard because I didn’t know what was coming. I’d worry about all the social events, the restaurants being busy, where we’d sit, and if I had a panic attack, would I be able to leave.

You think “I’m supposed to be enjoying myself like everyone else.” I feel the pressure of everyone feeling happy throughout this period, it’s hard as I think I should feel happy like everyone else.

At times like these I’ve felt really alone and isolated.

The depression would be really bad at night and I’d often sit in my room and couldn’t sleep at all. In the middle of the night when all my friends were asleep with their phones switched off, those are the times I’d feel completely isolated. I’d sometimes go on Google. There are some really strange things on there and you don’t know if what you’re reading is true.

 There’s medical and support information available but also other people’s stories – which is so important. I felt like I wasn’t alone.

On a couple of occasions,  I've been close to ending my life, and just reading a story online of somebody in a similar situation has given me a small glimmer of hope, to keep going... to try again the next day... to choose hope, despite the darkness. It’s been a vital lifeline to me during my darkest moments.

It's also given me wise, clear information, when I've wanted to make sense of my debilitating condition and tips and advice on things that might help. I’ve changed the way I eat and I’ve started running. Having the fresh air and playing Playstation is lovely because it calms me down. If I’m starting to feel down I do something I love, like something creative or drinking and I start to feel calmer and feel more like myself because when my mind’s engaged in something else and it takes the edge of a bit.

I’ve visited several website a lot over the Christmas period on my worst days. On one of these last year I read a story by someone else who said they found Christmas hard. It really reassured and comforted me. Knowing I wasn’t alone was such a relief.

But then AGAIN I had lot of friends around which numbed down issues.

How to Live a Happy Life

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
Marcus Aurelius

“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” - Abraham Lincoln

“If you want happiness for an hour — take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day — go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year — inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime — help someone else.” - Chinese Proverb

Saying no is often the easier way out.

When you say no you can safely stay within your comfort zone. You don’t have to fear failing or being rejected. The scary unknown and sometimes difficult change can be avoided.But if you say yes your life can expand and deepen. The yes allows you to open up your life to more happiness.

Today I would like to share 10 things that I have said yes to and that have helped me to become happier in my life.

Pick one of these that resonate the most with you and focus on making it a part of your life.



1. Being imperfect.

Trying to be perfect is setting the bar too high. It will be impossible to reach. And so you’ll lower your self-esteem. You may not feel very happy about how things are going in your life. Even though they might be going very well indeed Perfectionism is mindset that eats at you and your happiness. Saying yes to being imperfect can turn that around.

How to do it:

• Realize the costs of buying into myths of perfection. By watching too many movies, listening to too many songs and just taking in what the world is telling you it is very easy to be lulled into dreams of perfection. It sounds so good and wonderful and you want it. But in real life it clashes with reality and it can harm or possibly lead you to end relationships, jobs, projects etc. just because your expectations are out of this world. I find it very helpful to remind myself of this simple fact.
• Go for good enough. Aiming for perfection usually winds up in a project or something else very slowly or never being finished. So go for good enough instead. Don’t use it as an excuse to slack off. But simply realize that there is something called good enough and when you are there then you are finished with whatever you are doing.

2. Being you.

Not being able to be yourself, always trying to change for others or censoring yourself don’t feel good at all. It makes life feel so small and limited.

So how can you be yourself? Your environment plays a huge part.

How to do it:

• Supportive people. Spend more time with the people who support your dreams, values and you. Or are at least neutral. And spend less time with people who always criticize you or you simply aren’t a good fit for.
• Supportive and life-expanding influences outside of your everyday life. Change your environment not only close to you. Go further and spend more time with sources of information that supports your dreams and can give you information that expands and makes your life happier and more exciting. Find support from people you have never met via books, movies, blogs, forums and music. And spend less time with negative and limiting influences.

3. The things that make you come alive.

It is important to find some time and energy for the things that you feel makes you come alive.

How to do it:

• Mix it up. Try something new, even if it is just something small each week. Eat the vegetarian dish at lunch if you always eat meat. Listen to some music that isn’t your normal cup of tea. Go out to a movie, café or pub with friends if you usually stay in at night. Or vice versa. Create variation and expand your comfort zone regularly in small ways to live a happier life.
• Reconnect with what you used to love if it has fallen by the wayside. If you used to go fishing, paint or play the guitar and it really made you come alive then reconnect. Use an hour for it this week and see if it still brings you joy and makes you come alive.

4. Optimism.
Pessimism can really limit your life and bring it to a standstill. It can make it feel like there’s no point in trying because it won’t make a difference or you’ll just fail. It can create ceilings and walls made out of glass where there really are none. Saying yes a more optimistic way of thinking can on the other hand open your life up.

How to do it:

• Ask yourself optimistic questions. When you’re in what seems like a negative situation then make something better out of it by asking yourself questions that promote optimism and helps you to find solutions. Questions like: What is one thing that is positive or good about this situation? And what is the opportunity within this situation?
• Start your day off on the right foot. As mentioned in tip #2, the influences in your life can make a huge difference. So choose to spend your breakfast time with an optimistic influence like for example a book, a blog or your mom. Or talk to someone early in the day that most often supports and cheers you up like a co-worker or a friend in school.

5. Turning negative self-talk around.

It is very important to keep your motivation and your self-esteem up to live a happier life.

Your inner critic may be one of biggest obstacles standing in your way of that. If you make a mistake or fail, if someone criticizes you or if you are just getting tired then that small inner voice can become louder and louder and drag and keep you down.

It can tell you that you are stupid or lazy. That you will not succeed. That you are worse or uglier than someone else.

Being able to turn the inner critic around or to shut it up as soon as it pops up is a very helpful skill.

How to do it:

• Say stop. Simply create a stop word or stop-phrase that you say or shout in your mind whenever your critic pipes up with a distorted and self-esteem hurting thought. Say: Stop! Or: No, no, no, we are not going there again!
• Explain to yourself what this will lead to over the next year or more. As I mentioned in tip #1, reminding yourself of the cost of buying into myths of perfection is a powerful way to replace those thought habits. This works very well for other self-esteem hurting thought patterns too. Remind yourself of how the inner critic has shaped your life so far. And in your mind see the cost of letting it roam free for another year or five.

6. Saying no when you feel it is the right thing for you to do.

To have the time and energy to say yes to the most important things you have to say no to some things too.

How to do it:

• What do I truly want to focus my time and energy on? When you get an offer or an opportunity arises ask yourself this question. When you look over your schedule ask yourself this question. Think about and look at what your top priorities are and what you deep want before you say anything.
• Disarm and then state your need. It becomes easier for people to accept your no if you disarm them first. You could for example do that by honestly saying that you are flattered or that you appreciate the kind offer. Then you, for instance, add that you do not have the time for accepting and doing what they want. Or say that you do not feel that this offer is a good fit for your life right now.

7. Forgiveness.
Not clinging to the past and to the hurt that is there but to let it go and look to the now and the future is an essential thing to find more happiness in your life.

Forgiving is not always easy and can take time but there are some things that can make it a little easier.

How to do it:

• Remind yourself that you forgive for your own benefit. As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what he or she did over and over again The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too. When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free from all of that agony too.
• Make a habit of forgiving yourself. Do not just forgive others but also yourself. By forgiving yourself – instead of resenting yourself for something you did a week or 10 years ago – you make the habit of forgiveness more and more of a natural part of you. And so forgiving others becomes easier too.

8. Making someone else happy.

Making someone else happier has many benefits. The happiness spreads back to you as you see his or her face light up and as you know you did the right thing. It spreads back to you as people have a strong tendency to want to give back when you have done something good for them. And it spreads out into the world as that now happier person may spread his or her happiness to other people.

How to do it:

• Help out practically. Lend someone a hand when they are moving. Or give them a ride in your car. Or if they need information, try to find a solution by asking the people you know or via Google.
• Just listen. Sometime a friend or someone close to you may just want to vent or for someone to listen as he or she figures things out. It may not seem like much but it can be an immense help for someone who needs it. So be there fully – don’t sit there thinking about something else – and listen.

9. Openness and growth.

Saying yes to being open to the good things in life and growing as a person plays a big role when it comes to happiness. The other things in this article will help you with that. But here are two more tips that will make your journey a little easier and simpler.

How to do it:

• Change one thing at a time. Changing many things or your whole life at once sure sounds good. But willpower is something we often overestimate and everyday life tends to come in the way. So to make sure you have a much better chance of changing a habit or area of your life change just one thing at a time.
• Start small. Just say no to one small thing you don’t want to do this week. Or forgive one person for one thing. Or help and make someone happy in some small way. Take just one small step outside of your comfort zone.

10. To living your life fully despite setbacks.

When things have been standing still for while or you hit a bump in the road then it’s easy to back down. To shrink. To give in or give up. But a better way to say yes to happiness in those situations is to say yes to living your life fully.

How to do it:

• Keep going. When you fail or make a mistake don’t give up. Reconnect with optimism by using the questions further up in this article. Find inspiration from books and blogs and the people around you. Don’t beat yourself up. Instead nudge yourself back on track again.
•  Remember, it’s not too late to change your life. I didn’t really try to improve my life very much until I was 25. And many throughout the world and history have made positive changes far later in life than that. So if you want to make a change then start today. Work with what you have where you are right now. Start small and take the first step towards something new. 

3 Things I’ve Learned from Bad Relationships

Me And Kate About To Hit The Club.. 

“Relationships are worth fighting for. But you can’t be the only one fighting. – Unknown”

I’ve really run the gamut of relationships lately. Or perhaps it would be better to say that I’ve run the gauntlet.
I’ve had people very publicly and persistently attack me with very nasty and unwarranted comments. I’ve had people completely shut me out of their lives because I refused to have a relationship completely on their terms. I’ve felt betrayed on many occasions. I’ve even had people give generously to me, but with the expectation that I reciprocate, thus putting unnecessary stress and expectations on me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed with many wonderful relationships. But I also have many that I would prefer to do without. Even the bad ones, however, have taught me some important lessons about relationships. Here are my top three lessons learned from unpleasant people.

1) You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings.

I have someone who takes everything I do personally. No matter how innocuous my action or comment, they almost always take it as a personal attack and respond emotionally or with anger. At first, it was incredibly upsetting to me, because I don’t want to be constantly hurting people, even if I’m doing so unintentionally. However, I finally had to learn that how they interpreted my actions was not my responsibility. My job was to be as kind and level-headed as I could. If they chose to take that poorly that simply was not my fault, and I could not blame myself for it.

2) Other’s opinions don’t matter nearly as much as you think they do.

Eleanor Roosevelt once famously said that “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This is something I struggled with for a long time. “But they’re being so horrible to me!” I’d argue internally. “They hate me! How can I be ok with that??” The truth is, however, that for every person who dislikes you, there’s another person who thinks the world of you. And I would argue that the reverse is also true – for every person who holds you in high esteem, there will be another who couldn’t care less about you. Eventually, I had to accept that I will never get everyone to like me. I had to learn to like myself, appreciate the people who appreciate me and let everyone else’s comments roll off of me like water on a duck’s back.

3) Guilt or obligation is not an appropriate initiator of relationship.

This is a really big one for me. I have a lot of people in my life who are constantly trying to guilt me into a relationship with them because we’re family, we’ve known each other for a long time, etc. As someone who has a very strong sense of loyalty, it’s difficult for me to ignore those pleas. However, the sad fact of the matter is that no matter how close you should be in an ideal world to someone, sometimes it simply isn’t a healthy relationship.

Rather than caving to their guilt trips, a far healthier thing is to make your opinions known. Tell them what you will and won’t tolerate, and if they cross your boundary put some space between you and them. As I’ve done this, I’ve experienced the opposing emotions of sadness and relief. Sadness at the loss of what could have been, but mostly giddy relief at the knowledge that such toxic people no longer have full access to me and my emotions.
Life is all about how you look at it. What happens to you doesn’t matter so much as how you interpret it. You can let people push you around by manipulating your emotions with their guilt trips and unkind words. Or you can choose to ignore it and keep living your wonderful, amazing life. You won’t be able to stop the actions of others, but you can definitely change how they affect you!

4 Different Types Of Girls

A man has 4 different types of girls..
1.Wifey
2.Baby Girl
3.Side Piece
4.Jump Off



1)Wifey is the sexiest, most successful and most respected of all
the women. She is loved, needed and wanted by her man...she is
VIRTUALLY IRREPLACEABLE. She is the girl that the guy loves and will
always love, he never wants to see her with another man...BUT he will
cheat on her with Baby Girl until he is mature enough to realize that if he
gets caught or fucks up in any way and loses Wifey, he would be screwed,
and NEVER be happy again. Wifey gets along with mom, is independent,
never nags, loves to dress sexy for her man, can cook and loves to keep
a clean house. Wifey gets called 5 or 6 times a day. Drawback of Wifey,
she loves public displays of affection... which might intefere with the
acquisition of a Side Piece.

2)Baby Girl is ALWAYS just as hot as wifey and usually has a
very active social life...she IS replaceable, thinks she's the next Wifey,
but will only be Wifey if an extreme disaster takes place.
Baby Girl gets some of the benefits of Wifey, like quality time every
now and then and even presents on birthdays and holidays, but thats as
far as it goes. The main reason to have Baby Girl is in case Wife
really really fucks up, she can be replaced in a matter of weeks because
Baby Girl has been groomed to slip right into her spot. Be careful of
Baby Girl, she tends to be just as attached as Wifey and therefore can
be dangerous to the Side Piece. Biggest benefit of Baby Girl...she is
extremely private and hates causing a scene, baby girl can come into
the same restaurant as you and wifey and wifey will have no idea you
two even know each other. Baby Girl is a master of disguise as well.

3)Side Piece, usually a female that the guy uses only for sex
other pleasures, she is usually the one that he goes to for that 3some
or some late night head after the club. When Wifey is acting up and
Baby Girl is at work, the Side Piece is usually the one to hold him
over for a few hrs. He can meet with the Side Piece for reasons other
than sex, but normally that only happens one week during the month.
Side Pieces are hard to spot when they are out because most of her
friends are either Wifey's or Jump Offs.
Drawback of having more than one side piece, they usually know each
other somehow...we kinda think there is a side piece network.com or
something. Try to keep your side piece count below 4 if possible.

4)Jump Off...every mans dream and worst nightmare. She is trying
to move up in life, wants to be a Side Piece or Wifey but doesnt know
how to go about it.They are just the girls he hollas at when he is
with his boys...she is usually stored in the cell phone by a nickname
because he barely remembers her real name and where he met her...he
only recalls how fat her ass was. The Jump Off gets called in
emergencies only, when wifey is moody, baby girl is on vacation and side
piece is with her baby's father. The Jump Off is extremely dangerous in
public for a number of reasons, she is usually 5 other guys jump off as
well, so she might cause drama with you and one of those dudes if you
slip up, she also has no problem confronting you in the mall when you
are with Wifey (something that baby girl would NEVER do) and the most
dangerous thing about Jump Off...she ALWAYS seems to find out where you
live and or work.

Why can’t I be you? (Stealing your partner’s personality)

In theory, we should never change who we are or what we want for the one we love. But in real life, it can happen we can adopt the personality of the person we are dating. Especially in the six first months of any long term relationship.


When we fall in love with someone, we fall for the person who holds the promise of changing our life. So it’s not impossible to adopt the personality of the one we love. If we find ourselves changing for a partner, maybe it’s because we want that change.


We may fall for someone who is different from us for that reason. But we are all different even if we share some common points. Because we have each a personal history, which makes us who we are.


That person we are attracted may seem different because he/she can have some features very different from us, like blue hair, a certain style, … or some crafts like hosting dinner parties, a knowledge about beers, a long list of travels, or whatever it may be.


But really, we are looking at those differences because we want to be that different. It’s a way of reinforce us in a sense.


I remind this story about an guy who falls in love with a woman who likes to swim with sharks, while he was afraid of water.






One of my friends told me she fell in love with a guy who didn't drink and was socially awkward, while she was a party girl. At first, he was positive influence for her. Because she stopped drinking and going out, she could focus on her work. And got a prize for it. But eventually, she got tired of him, because he didn't like to go out, while she wanted to have some social life.


In a way, it’s like an extroverted falls for an introverted. Many couples are like that.


Some do survive, because of compromises.


Some do not.

CRAZY THINGS I HAVE DONE IN MYPAST RELATIONSHIPS

In a movie, the crazy thing always works out. The grand gesture gets you the grand love. The love interest reads your grand gesture as ballsy, full of confidence, and knowing what you want. In real life, it can just make you look a little nuts and a little desperate. And maybe even a little irresponsible if that grand gesture cost you a pricey plane ticket or a game of hookey from work.


I would know, because I have done a few crazy things for love. And, well, I'm still single. What have I done?


Karaoke:


What better ways to show someone you want the whole world to know that you love them than by letting the whole bar know? It's a start, right? I signed up to sing at a karaoke bar in my local singing Minnie Riper ton’s “Loving you” jam where I was out with a group of friends, unsuspecting love interest included, with the intention of making it very clear that I was singing to just one person. I don't think all of the singing lessons or voice training in the world could have minimized my horror after putting on that performance and jumping off the stage to be greeted by these words from my love interest: "that was...um...sweet of you."


Gone the distance:


I was once dating someone who ended up moving about a 7-hour drive away. I decided to surprise her by taking off work for a week and driving up there without giving her any advance notice. She was, of course, thrilled to see me on her doorstep. And she was thrilled for the next two days (it was the weekend) to be with me. But, once the work week began, I was just some guy hanging out at her house waiting for her to come home, and stressing her out because she knew I was there waiting for her to come home. Not to mention, we had never lived together in the past. And suddenly, we were thrown into a pseudo living together situation, and found out that we needed our own space very quickly. In the end, the grand gesture didn't make us grow closer. It was the beginning of our relationship's demise.


Written a love letter:

There was a time when these were in fashion. But that was a very, very long time ago. I should have realized that before I tried to translate my feelings into a sonnet, with some far-fetched metaphors and some major hyperbole about just how much the person meant to me. The reader basically gulped in discomfort because, well, it's a little difficult to respond in regular English after you've just been written to in actual Old English.


Handwritten personal ads: Quaint, or...?


Really, is it necessary to spend good money on personal ads? I will tell you no. On 2007, I posted elaborately specific — and handwritten — personal ads in facebook. 

I was young and living with my sister at the time — described myself with great precision in the ads: single, a “sorter/bagger” for a package delivery company, Rangers and Jets fan, and a person who loves movies, nightclubs, Migingo Island, Nairobi city and the color red. 

I was equally precise about what I was seeking: a blonde, long-haired, "big-chested, curvy, leggy, and voluptuous (NOT FAT)" woman — or women — between the ages of 17 to 20 would be "willing to take turns paying on dates (NO GOLDDIGGERS!!!!!)."


Becoming Her Chauffeur
Men like to be seen as useful, and one way we curry favor with the one we like is by offering her rides. It starts small, like going to pick her up when she’s having dinner at our place — we’ll cross downtown just to get her. This is soon followed by trips to Naivasha, because she needs 200 tea lights. Finally, when she has to leave town to visit her parents, we come up with a reason why we’re headed in the same direction, just so we can spend a few hours in a car with her.


Crashing Her Time with the girls

Men think that the way to a woman’s heart is through feigning an interest in her hobbies. She says she loves going to hang with her girls and we say we’ve always wanted to try joining you. The next thing we know, we’re in short shorts trying to contort our body into positions that God never intended for us to achieve.


Got into a fight

it all goes back to the chest-thumping. When we’re trying to catch the attention of a girl, we can never come off as a wimp. Keep in mind: That doesn’t mean we pick a fight with the first guy we see. It means that if there’s a group of rowdy teenagers sitting in front of us at the movies, it’s up to the man to smack one in the back of the head and tell them to shut their mouths. Of course, this means we’ll likely get jumped in the parking lot and beaten with bicycle chains, but we crossed that bridge when we get there.


Relocated My Entire Life

nothing is worse than when we meet a girl we like — a girl we could have something with — only to find out she’s leaving town in four weeks. Some men cut their losses right there, while the brave ones make travel plans. We forsake our careers to pick up and follow that woman. Why? Because love is the greatest pension plan of all. And that’s how I ended up in Kenya from Houston Texas


Hanging Out with Her Ex

As much as I hate it every man has dated a girl that has somehow managed to stay friends with her ex. At first she calls him her friend: "I was talking to my friend, Dan, and blah, blah, blah." But something about her tone of voice tells us that farmer Dan once tilled the field we're now working to sow, Soon enough, we'll meet Dan, and every man in this situation has a decision to make: Do we blow him off or act like we're happy to see his smug face? Smart men treat Dan like a buddy. They pretend they're not at all threatened or jealous over her shared past with Dan because you know who used to be jealous about that kind of thing? Dan. As for me I won’t tell you what I did about this situation.



I a nutshell the things we do for love, right?! When you’re truly crazy about someone, you may not even believe the lengths you will go to catch or keep him or her in your life. Whether it’s standing outside of your GF/BF’s house with a boom box playing “In Your Eyes” Say Anything-style or confessing your years-long crush on the most popular girl at your high school graduation a la I Love You, Pearl, some declarations of love are sweet while some border the stalker line. With the following confessions from myself, I ranked each act of love starting with the not-so-intense Risky Romancing and ending with Deranged Devotion.


And truth is Getting into a relationship may seem tempting to you, but so was getting on the Titanic and look what happened there.